Love It/Hate It

In the spirit of mass media stroking and skewering (get out of the gutter), here's a list of a few things on my mind right now:

Marvel Comics: Love it.
Way to go, y'all. Way to show DC that continuity isn't dead, it's just seldom utilized correctly.

Lost: Love it.
A lot of folks thought the writing team had been tapped for a while. Way to prove them wrong. The Man From Tallahassee rocked. Keep it going. Get rid of Nicky and Paulo.

300: _____
On a love/hate list, can one plead the fifth? I'm totally going to do that here.

The Peyton Manning/Carrie Underwood SNL: Love it.
Not only was Peyton funnier than Tom Brady (even though Brady's sexual harassment skit was priceless), but even Weekend Update sucked less this week. Way to go on this one, SNL. Carrie Underwood wasn't completely horrid, either.

Kristen Wiig: Hate it.
I know she's not an "it", but never have I ever seen anyone looking so bored while trying to be funny. If you're not having any fun, neither are we. Clean up your act, 'cause it sucks. Lorne - please don't have her on the show next year if this keeps up.

Airport Security: Hate it.
...for stealing $300 out of my backpack. Assholes.

Everything Is Illuminated: Love it.
Fantastic movie starring Frodo, and directed by the (new) Manchurian Candidate. Check it out.

My Acoustic Guitar: Hate it.
Needs a setup and some new strings. I'll love it again next week.

Battlestar Galactica: Hate it.
Screw you for having the worst episode of this series yet. The season finale had not ONE redeeming scene in it. Wow...four people hearing music and turning out to be 4 of the final 5 Cylons. Ooohhh. No one saw that coming a mile away. Starbuck's NOT dead? Really? She just went to Earth? Returning in 2008? What are you, The Sopranos now?

Klosterfuck

A few years back a pop-culture philosopher I'm quite fond of wrote that he's fond of writing at night, just before falling asleep. His reason for this was that, in those fleeting moments before you lapse out of consciousness - you understand.

You understand everything.

And I don't mean stupid shit like the fact that there's just too much Justin Timberlake out there (except for on SNL), or that you don't want to believe the new Maroon 5 is the new Maroon 5 - because you only expected that level of crap from fucking Fall Out Boy, or that The Shins really aren't all bad, it's just that Zach Braff ruined them for everyone. By the way, Scrubs sucks.

I mean big stuff. You understand the big stuff before you fall asleep. And by the morning you don't understand any of it anymore, because it's all different now. That's the point. Life's transitions are what make it interesting enough to keep bothering with. Right?

So tonight, I figured I'd give it a try. I'm cheating a bit, because after this is written I'm off to late night Discovery HD Theatre (in the hopes of more Planet Earth reruns). And then late late night Science Channel. And then probably some guitar before forcing myself to bed. Does it still count?

One more thing. I've started re-reading the aforementioned writer's low-culture manifesto, and just got past the part where he talks about how Coldplay is the shittiest band in the history of shitty bands, and I thought I'd throw it out there that he's totally fucking right. I liked them better when they were called U2. And if you disagree with that, go buy a copy of Wincing the Night Away and pretend like you have some fucking clue about why that's a decent record.

PS- Look Jenny, all text...

Things Learned in Hawai'i

While on vacation (go ahead and chuckle) in Hawai'i, I've learned several valuable lessons. I'd like to share a few of these now:

1. Any drink whose name contains the word "Tiki" tastes like a mix of Windex and Rubbing Alcohol - especially when under the drink's name on the menu it says "YOU KEEP THE TIKI!!!"



2. Japanese teenagers have a morbid fascination with t-shirts riddled with English non sequitur. No, really, any words splashed across a shirt, as long as they're in English, will work. I swear I spied a girl wearing one that read "STEAK HERPES NISSAN." and had a picture of a brownie on it.



3. There are people who walk their cock around on a leash. Not the kind of cock you're thinking of. The kind that would recite Shakespeare in a George Orwell novel. (For y'all less learned types, that means the kind that shriek at the ass-crack of dawn and wake you up while you're on vacation.)



4. O'ahu is good, but Maui is great. If you have to pick just one, pick Maui. And if you're fortunate enough to be able to hop between the two, do it on Go! Airlines. They're the shit ($19 flights inter island).



5. All tomfoolery aside - go to Hawai'i. Seriously. Waves that crash onto sandy beaches that run into glorious mountains. Plus they film Lost here. You're really missing out by not having been. Does Maui have a grad school I can go to?

See you in the funny pages...

(#3's about a rooster, you sicko)

Big Britney Is Watching

I realize it may be in poor taste for me to post a post related in any way to Britney Spears, but let's indulge our rabid cultural taste for all things train-wreck-ish.

Now on sale: The Rehab Britney Shears doll.

The Britney Shears figurine comes in a straightjacket, baldhead and all. Manufacturers have shown some mercy on the singer, however, for they have at least considerably slimmed down the doll's figure.

The doll currently sells on eBay for USD 82.

Animal Crackers

Remote Control Pigeons

CHINESE scientists have succeeded in implanting electrodes in the brain of a pigeon to remotely control the bird's flight, state media said.

Reports said scientists at Shandong University of Science and Technology used the micro electrodes to command the bird to fly right or left, and up or down.

Love Bear

A KOALA bear from Edinburgh Zoo has been flown to Vienna to give some lessons in love to an Austrian counterpart.

Chumbee was even given economy class seat on a plane, it was reported today, after staff at Schoenbrunn Zoo became concerned at their resident male koala's inactivity.

It is hoped Chumbee will be able to spark something between the male and the female bears at the zoo.

When news of Chumbee's move first surfaced, staff described him as "a proven breeder".

Dogs On A Diet

THE first medicine to help overweight dogs in the UK lose weight has been launched in London.

Overeating and a lack of exercise have been blamed for dogs piling on the pounds, putting stress on their heart, lungs, liver and kidneys.

Belgium's Janssen Animal Health launched its prescription-only drug Yarvitan so owners can help their dogs lose weight without the need to put them on a diet.

Stories provided by the actions of stupid, silly people. Enumerated by scotsman.com

Perfect Women

Hail To The Thieves

In the war that is Blu-Ray vs HD-DVD, Sony is set to trump its competition with the release of a less expensive Blu-Ray player, due out this Spring.

To date, Blu-Ray players (and I don't count the PS3 as one) have run upwards of $900. The new player, the BDP-S300, will cost about 40% less and provide functionality over and above that of its costly predecessor.

Those of you that know me, know that I am an avid DVD buyer, so to me this is great news - and I just had to share. Like Joanne Colan's voice relaying the day's top stories, it just feels right.

1080p for all!

Say Goodbye to The O.

Last night The O.C. bid farewell to us all. What follows goes out to the intangible that was.

Goodbye Sandy Cohen. I use that name because I scarcely ever noticed Peter Gallagher on screen. You were the coolest TV dad since Cosby. Really. Your morning surf outings followed by eyebrows-of-power pep talks will be sorely missed.

Goodbye Kelly Rowan. You made Kirsten the Claire to Sandy's Cliff. So much so that I'm willing to forget that whole Jeri Ryan thing.

Goodbye Ben McKenzie. You started to really go for the mini-Russel Crowe thing this year. That was cool. But dude, you didn't look like a teenager at all. And you didn't punch enough people.

Goodbye Adam Brody. There's a little Seth Cohen in most of us, and you made him resonate with that little bit all the way across the board.

Goodbye Rachel Bilson. You played Summer as the quintessential O.C. girl (something I somehow doubt was that big a stretch) - and we loved you for it. PS - The Last Kiss kicked ass.

Goodbye Autumn Reeser. You made it oh so simple to forget about Skeletor and her never ending whine-fest. Or drug use. Or eating disorder. Or whatever Barton felt like indulging in that week (yes I realize the writers are to blame, too - but past season one she really was just testing me).

Goodbye Willa Holland. Not nearly enough screen time.

Finally, goodbye Melinda Clarke. I love you. No other actress could have made that character as hot or as cool. Cheers.

See you in the funny pages...

Politics and the English Language

Rules to write by:

1. Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.


2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.


3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.


4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.


5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.


6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

For more on the steady decay of written English, please refer to the text linked to here.

PS - My favorite line of the text:

"Bad writers, and especially scientific, political and sociological writers, are nearly always haunted by the notion that Latin or Greek words are grander than Saxon ones..."

Sunday Music Special

If Paul McCartney was the lead singer of Jet - the band would be called The Fratellis.

Hailing from Scotland, stealing the Ramones' last name gimmick, and playing with just enough distortion to make you certain you're listening to Brit-Rock (or would it be Scot-Rock?), these guys have composed a stellar album with "Costello Music". Download it now.

Other notes:

• The band's name has nothing to do with the Goonies.


• I'm sorry I missed the album release party in Picadilly Circus, because I bet it was bitchin'.


• Their song "Flathead" is the tune in that new iPod commercial.


• I'm really liking these Sunday morning music/tv/movie posts. I'll likely keep these up. Cool?

Yoo Kant Bee Seerius

"The Simplified Spelling Society (SSS) started in 1908 with the aim of updating English spelling. The Society publishes leaflets, newsletters, journals, books and bulletins to promote spelling reform of the English language. We also feature in the media on TV, on Radio and in Print...

...Phonetics is seen as the key to improving literacy and spelling. Learning a phonetic system is easier and allows the children of today to be more productive than we could ever be, releasing them to learn other essential skills in a fast moving world. There would be no more difficult words."

Ok. I'm as sympathetic as the next guy when it comes to what the SSS describes as "chaotic" English spelling, but this is a bit much. I heard a news story this morning (one that despite my best efforts I couldn't locate a link to) that talked about schools down south (shocker) lobbying for adoption of new spelling of words like "good" (gud) and "people" (peeple). As Joss Whedon would say "Yahbuhwhat?"

Sure, the SSS makes semi-legit claims about the difficulties of English spelling for children with dyslexia and similar conditions, but what happened to Gram-Ti telling Theo that was no reason to make excuses and that he has a responsibility to work harder than others (see: The Cosby Show)?

Am I just an unsympathetic ass? Maybe. But the argument that if we teach children to spell incorrectly now, in the hopes that once they understand the words' meanings they'll be able to spell them properly, just doesn't work for me.

Sure. English is a frighteningly complicated language with more exceptions to rules than cases where the rules actually apply. But that doesn't mean we get to go "Awww...peeple now arr too bizy for reelee lurneeng werd spelling - so let's not try to teech it anymore." And what are these other essential skills that the SSS says we're releasing young minds to learn? Ever heard of a house of cards? Or how about a skyscraper made of toothpicks, filled with rocks, and built on a swamp?

And somewhere far, far away - Anthony Burgess has rolled over in his grave.

See yoo in thu funnee payjez...

Remember, Remember

On this special Valentine's Day edition of The Rebel Yell, I'd like to share with you a shot I recently snapped in Cambridge. This collegiate effort to graffiti the side of the new American Apparel store on Brattle Street made me smile.

The narratives I'd concocted involved a devilishly clever store employee who wanted to reference obscure British History, or the store's manager that wanted to prove his "coolness factor" to the plebs and show that he too reads Alan Moore. I even had a whole treatise on how the original artist had missed that second letter B, and had gone back days later to correct the error only to find that another schmo with spray paint had done it for them. Sadly, these were all put to pasture when I parked across from the store during a Wednesday sabbatical to the comic book shop.

"Damn", I thought. "Somebody done gone and painted right over that piece of post-urban urban art.

That means it's gone.

See you in the funny pages...

iBanned?

"A New York state Senator is proposing a law to make it illegal to walk, jog or bike across the street while using an iPod, a BlackBerry or any other electronic device.

State Senator Carl Kruger said: “If you’re so involved in your electronic device that you can’t see or hear a car coming, this is indicative of a larger problem that requires some sort of enforcement beyond the application of common sense."...

The proposed ban - on iPods, mobile phones, BlackBerries, video games or other electronic devices when crossing the street - will be introduced this week, Mr Koppel said..."

Also soon to be added to Senator Kruger's list of things you shouldn't use while crossing the street: your brain.

Tunes For The Weekend

I'd like to share with you the track list of a cd I recently burned and have been listening to on repeat for nigh on a fortnight. Cool?

1) "le disko" Shiny Toy Guns - This track is just oozes cool. Great beat. Lyrics like Cake.

2) "life by the drop" Stevie Ray Vaughn - Stevie on 12-string and nothing else around. Golden.

3) " xo" FallOut Boy - The best track off their best album.

4) " tomorrow comes a day too soon (acoustic)" Flogging Molly - My favorite song by these guys.

5) "d'yer mak'er" Led Zeppelin - For my money, I don't know a Zep tune I'd rather have to listen to over and over again. Maybe Kashmir, but that shitty sample of it in Godzilla kinda ruined it for me.

6) "love like winter" AFI - I thought I'd hate their most recent album, only because I like the first one so much. I stand corrected.

7) "we used to be friends" The Dandy Warhols - This track is just awesome. Plus is makes me think of Veronica Mars, and by default Kristen Bell. No complaints here.

8) "giving him something he can feel" En Vogue - Whatever. I'm allowed one, aren't I?

9) "papa's got a brand new bag pt 1" James Brown - It feels like I should be walking down the Columbus Ave with this playing in the background.

10) "snitches and talkers get stitches and walkers" FallOut Boy - Lots of "energy". Me likey.

11) "someday i suppose (life from the middle east) The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Arguably their best record. Arguably their best song.

12) "de l'alouette" RJD2 - It's the song from the Adidas commercial that was on during the World Cup.

13) "follow you" Josh Kelley - Totally bland pop, but I really like this song.

Well there it is. Download 'em, enjoy 'em, let me know if you agree.

See you in the funny pages...

Amputation, Dirty Pictures and The Butterfly Effect

Aroused iguana may face chop

"AN IGUANA stuck in a permanent state of arousal, six days after a mating session at a Belgian zoo, may have to have his penis amputated if the condition does not improve. But he will still be able to reproduce - iguanas have two penises."

In other news: new research published by the International Association of Research Association (go ahead, try and look them up) concludes that giving viagra to an iguana might be entertaining, but it's pretty silly when you think about it for a while.

Teacher barred for sex lesson

"A NEW York teacher has been barred from classes and faces the sack after asking 12 -year-old pupils to draw male genitalia on the blackboard during a health lesson. Theunnnamed teacher's fate will be decided on March 21."

What really happened is that one of the 12-year-old boys didn't draw to scale, and felt dwarfed by his classmates. Then the 12-year-old girls made 12-year-old giggles and the teacher endeavored to elaborate on the age old battle of "size matters" vs "it's how you use it".

Family fined over boy's scream

"A DOG barked, startling a four-year-old boy who screamed, scaring a flock of chickens, resulting in the deaths of 443 birds in a stampede, a court in China ruled yesterday.

The boy's father was ordered to pay £120 in compensation to the owner of the chickens."

To recap: dog barks, boy screams, chickens die, dad pays. Just can't catch a break, dad - can you?

Thanks to Scotsman.com for these tasty morsels.

"A Season of Faith's Perfection"

What follows is a Sunday morning reflection upon those items filling my DVR with goodness, gracious goodness:

Prison Break: Please don't linger too long. You already broke, so why are you still breaking?

24: Jack is back. Too bad it took a nuclear explosion in LA to get his attention. BTW, Dude - you look really good for having been in a Chinese prison since season 5. PS - your brother is a dick.

Heroes: I'll admit it - I've jumped on this bandwagon. Indestructible cheerleaders, flying politicians, and an aptly named Japanese guy with a katana? Count me in.

Desperate Housewives: What? Like YOU don't watch it...

Grey's Anatomy: Enough with the break up and make up. Can we just get back to Alan Heinberg playing Mamet for twenty-somethings?

Lost: Like watching Dane Cook do drama. Give us a freaking punchline already! See "Prison Break".

Battlestar Gallactica: Everyone just shut up and take notice. This is the most wisely scripted series on TV right now. If you disagree, you're wrong. If you don't think that James Callis is playing sci-fi Hamlet - still wrong - but I'm willing to debate.

The O.C.: So after airing the most light-hearted, and dare i say "funny" episodes since season 1 - the show gets cancelled? Hey Fox, get your heads out of your asses - if you add another episode of "Dancing With The Animals That Attack American Idol, with your host Rupert Murdoch" into your Thursday night lineup, I swear I'll never watch your network again. You do remember that Family Guy debacle, yes?

Smallville: Ok. I'm biased here. Jeph Loeb left, and the cheese factor went into overdrive - but that doesn't mean I don't love it. Just don't try "Smallville: The College Years" again. Also, See "Prison Break".

Rome: Why? Why are you ending after this season? We just got to know each other, and ya - I miss Ciaran Hinds as the most brooding Caesar ever, too - but please, please stay a while longer? 'Cause baby, it's cold outside...

The Shield: Come back. Now.

The Sopranos: Come back. Then end. Please.

The Superbowl: Bears defense VS Peyton Manning. I'm from New England, and even I'm excited about this. Yes, I realize this one isn't hogging up hard drive space - but it had to be thrown out there...

Self Cleaning Underoos

"Scientists working for the US Air Force have already produced T-shirts and underwear that can be worn for weeks at a time without washing, and the technology has now been licensed to a London company, Alexium, to develop for civilian applications...

While it will not quite make the washing machine redundant, treated clothing needs to be washed far less often and is easier to clean when finally laundered...

The technology uses microwaves to fix microscopic nanoparticles permanently to the fibres of clothing. These nanoparticles can then have a range of chemical properties attached to them to produce a surface impenetrable to water and able to kill bacteria.

Over time, the effectiveness of the coating falls as the active chemicals are knocked off, but the scientists claim it can be restored by soaking the material in a fresh solution of the same chemicals"

All I can say to that is...wow-a-wee-wa

full article here

Dear Jerk Off,

Over this past weekend, I had the fortune to make the acquaintance of "Tom". "Tom" is from around here, methinks, but apparently can't stand to admit it. He regaled me with stories of how there's another city a few hours south of Boston that is just sooooo much cooler, because you can still order a glass of single malt at 3:45.

"So what's the big deal?", I asked. My question was met with a resounding "...well, I dunno. It's, like, the atmosphere. It's just, like, nice to know that you can still get a drink after two...not like this Boston shit." (for those readers unfamiliar with the situation, most bars in Boston are only open until 2 am).

What is is that goes on between the hours of 2 and 4 that is so extraordinary? Is it some late night/early morning renaissance, that only the dwellers of that city-to-the-south are fortunate enough to experience? Do the bartenders suddenly stop pouring water, and will my cup runneth over with that sweet sweet nectar of (night)life? Do Dick and Harry suddenly start buying all your drinks? Most importantly, do the people rubbing up against you in the strobe light infested waters of whatever saloon you're in pull a bizarro Cinderella and get inexplicably more fabulous after we Bostonians hear the bell for last call?

As Mike Dean would say, I doubt it.

And oh ya - Fuck you, "Tom".

News From Around the Globe (& My Apologies)

Right.

First off, I'm sorry I've been away for so long. House/Computer/Time issues shouldn't be excuses, so I'm just going to leave it at "sorry - please forgive me".

Moving forward:

I'd like to lead off today with a story that recently caught my eye, regarding the fate of Scotland's Grey Squirrel population. In a project approved by the Scottish Ministers, Grey Squirrels in select areas are being given contraceptives in an effort to slow their rampant population growth. This comes after the previous method of "cranial dispatch" (described bluntly as a sharp blow to the head) went out of favor.

The animals have spread across Scotland's woodlands in recent years and are becoming a threat to Red Squirrel populations and the sanity of many rurally situated humans. The biggest fear is that the contraceptives will be ingested by other animals - like the native Footballius Hoodlumus - prompting swift drops in the population level of species NOT threatening the ecosystem. Yep.

_____

In other news, an Aussie wildlife worker pulled a 7' python out of some woman's john. He's quoted as saying "Crikey! The hell did you do, piss that thing out?"...or something to that effect.

_____

Finally today, let's head to Florida, where 3 million (no, that's no a typo) bees were removed from a home in Miami Beach, along with the 66 lbs of honey left in their wake. I'll cut & paste the rest, because it just plain speaks for itself: "The bees appeared two years ago and the owner had been telling a TV crew how they had failed to get rid of them when he ran from the house, yelling: 'They're biting me!'"

Like sands through the hourglass, blah blah blah.

See you in the funny pages...
(feels all kinds of good to type that again)

PS - the pic up top is from NASA's image of the day archive...the 2nd best RSS feed out there - period.

USB Missle Launcher

Cube Warfare.

It's the dirty little secret of Corporate America. Getting the drop on that ass-hat that sits just over the half wall on your right, be it by way of a leaky coffee cup, or shrinkwrapping his cube shut and filling it with shipping popcorn while he's away on vacation, is something that anyone who has ever had to use the "C" word to describe their workplace knows the trappings of all too well.

Well folks, the ante has been upped.



Meet the USB Missle Launcher. Pesky co-workers always coming around the corner just as you're trying to bid on that Captain Kirk coffee mug? Boss always doing the Lumbergh Lean on your cube wall? Well, shoot 'em up.

According to Kleargear.com, this little bundle of USB goodness is "the state-of-the-art deterrent against those bored and aggravating individuals that loiter around your desk when thereÂ’s nothing better for them to do".

You said it, Kleargear. Have at it, Hoss.

See you in the funny pages...