Things Learned in Hawai'i

While on vacation (go ahead and chuckle) in Hawai'i, I've learned several valuable lessons. I'd like to share a few of these now:

1. Any drink whose name contains the word "Tiki" tastes like a mix of Windex and Rubbing Alcohol - especially when under the drink's name on the menu it says "YOU KEEP THE TIKI!!!"



2. Japanese teenagers have a morbid fascination with t-shirts riddled with English non sequitur. No, really, any words splashed across a shirt, as long as they're in English, will work. I swear I spied a girl wearing one that read "STEAK HERPES NISSAN." and had a picture of a brownie on it.



3. There are people who walk their cock around on a leash. Not the kind of cock you're thinking of. The kind that would recite Shakespeare in a George Orwell novel. (For y'all less learned types, that means the kind that shriek at the ass-crack of dawn and wake you up while you're on vacation.)



4. O'ahu is good, but Maui is great. If you have to pick just one, pick Maui. And if you're fortunate enough to be able to hop between the two, do it on Go! Airlines. They're the shit ($19 flights inter island).



5. All tomfoolery aside - go to Hawai'i. Seriously. Waves that crash onto sandy beaches that run into glorious mountains. Plus they film Lost here. You're really missing out by not having been. Does Maui have a grad school I can go to?

See you in the funny pages...

(#3's about a rooster, you sicko)