Thursday, September 07, 2006

I could make this up, but I didn't...

Some tasty morsels from recent headlines:

Latin American prison lifestyle takes an interesting twist with the finding of cell phones lodged in the intestines of several inmates. Reportedly, the inmates were using the devices to manage robberies, blackmail operations, and other illicit endeavors in the outside world. Dude. How terribly do you all need to vote on American Idol?

British motorists are ass-hats, according to this story from Reuter's. After his picture was taken by a traffic camera, the Briton in question returned to the camera's location...and blew it up. Delightfully, not only were the photos of him speeding unharmed - but the photos of him returning to the scene and making the camera go BOOM helped him on his way to a 4 month stint in the slammer. Sadly, the audio feed of him butchering "Singin' In The Rain" didn't make it through the attack. C'est la vie...

Lazy Cow in Hong Kong Wins Court Case Worth Millions. I don't know how much more I can really say here. The Cow in question refers to Monica Wong, banker & former salsa dancing enthusiast. After paying her instructors HK$120 million for unlimited private instruction - the relationship soured, and Ms. Wong suffered an emotional breakdown. Poor, sad, lazy, Cow.

This story makes me wish I still had a job to call out sick from (almost). In its infinite wisdom, the Zimbabwean health ministry has decided to allow n'angas (we know them as witch doctors) to write sick notes for workers. Dude. I saw the witch doctor. He told me what to do. He said...well...I couldn't make out much - but it sounded like a mix of clicking, and that little leprechaun that's always telling Ralph Wiggum to burn things.

Finally, in this late breaking shocker: Paris Hilton was arrested and charged with drunk driving early this morning in that glamor-hole city of angels way out west. What, you were expecting more than that? Ok. Hilton's attorney is cited as saying that Paris was affected more than usual by the one drink she had because it was "one drink on an empty stomach after a full day's work.". I don't know which is less believable - the idea that she had just one drink, or claiming that she worked a full day. My personal favorite line of the article follows: "Hilton is best known for her hit reality show "The Simple Life" and for a sex video that showed up on the Internet."

I'll leave you today with this:

See you in the funny pages...

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