Dear Dan Brown, et al.

What the hell is the matter with you people?

First off, Dan Brown. You wrote a good book. Did you even read the script that was used to make the movie? I mean, Da Vinci code was one thing - but for Angels & Demons I actually expected more. Really? No bald guy in a wheelchair at CERN? No Vittoria's Dad? Are you that busy counting your dollars that you couldn't write the damn script yourself?

Second, Ron Howard. You should just be embarrassed. Not in the way that Sean Penn should be embarrassed by everything he's done in the last ten years (both on and off the screen), but close. You had the cast, you had the locations, and you know you had an audience. But buddy boy, really. THAT much of what I'll call "exploratory conversation" was just insulting. And fire your editor.

Finally, Tom Hanks. I expect more of you, Sir. You are held in a rare, high regard, and you have disappointed. In Da Vinci Code, the only gripe I had with you was the haircut (a sentiment echoed by many many many others), but this time around even you could not save the slowly sinking ship that is Robert Langdon's latest cinematic foray. If and when Professor Langdon returns to the screen, for the love of pete: don't leave everything up to Opie.

See you in the funny papers.